I need this space to fill a void of sorts, a chasm of unwritten words and emotions, sensations, suggestions and curiosities left untold, unheard. In the hectic mix of time I have given my voice and energy to my young children and it is now that I re-emerge into my own life, my own voice and from time to time dance again a little*
I have had many phases in life and by using this blog, I wish to re visit old phases and observe and live new ones. I find that as my numbers increase by the year, there are parts of myself that I wish to keep and embrace a little more, and others that I can happily recognise, discard and move right along, contented. Whether this be a judgement once held, or friends I have met and shared a brief encounter, the self loathing and self pity, the unconscious behaviour, or the sheer joy of dancing, tequila, friends that are never going anywhere, the babies I have made and the Mum and artist that I strive to be. We all experience life, we are all made up of the same atoms that can shine or fade as we wish, our mind is fragile and strong as we traverse our unique suspended state of emotion and memory. So I am starting a new relationship here, with myself and you, the reader.
When I gave birth to my second son 2 years ago I went down the rabbit hole and lost my life compass, N.S.E.W were all intrinsically linked to being a milk factory, a vitamin merchandiser, a poo wiper and spew recipient, a laundromat, a smiling /singing /cheek aching actor, in order to maintain a happy thriving new person. I didn’t go outside for 3 weeks, I sat on my derrière for so long, (didn’t get any smaller though), showered…um well lets say the wet wipe wash comes in very handy and should be added to the Oxford dictionary – Wet Wipe Wash; what parents do in the first 6 months of having a baby when desperate, in order to maintain hygiene standards and general sanity.
Most of all I fell in love and in guilt like a hurricane, and constantly had to check what day it was, if I was feeding right, swaddling correctly, cuddling too little, too much, how do I love everyone all at once, how can I listen to every conversation and actually respond in a way that sounds English, and how do I just let go of all the self expectation. All in all I was a Mum at home with a small being relying on me to love and function, and every time the plunket lady came or a relative came over to give advice or criticise, I would simply do as stated below…
Which is basically my advice to all Mums in order to live as best you can in order to keep the baby ship sailing.
So enough with the heavy and lets get to business as I crawl back to my life..independent of children..and take my 36 years to a whole new level. This is my re awakening and a promise to myself that I would give writing a go. At present my day is literally full of terms like, tags, slugs, posts, pages, categories, SEO’s, URL’s and several blah blah blah’s that will form reality and context in my brain, just not right at this minute*
I am on a mission to speak my piece, as I know that through that first year of baby life with boy 2, I yearned for a real point of view, a cup of tea with a friend, a social injection, the joke of a stranger, or the smile of the dairy owner up the road. All in all..something real with no hint of judgement or sideways glance.
So pull up a coffee and lets meet once a week to have a conversation*